I'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger)
by MinaRosette
Summary: He's sone some terrible things. He's hurt people, broken families, betrayed people who trusted him. People he loved. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he is a monster. He wonders if a bullet will fix it all.


**Warnings for suicide/suicidal thoughts**

**Summary: Suicide is nothing new to Sam. **

**i'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger)**

Sam wonders sometimes.

He turns the gun in his hands, traces the lines and contours. Holds the barrel under his chin and imagines pulling the trigger.

He's done some terrible things. He's hurt so many people he loved, and so many people he never knew. He doesn't know how many lives he's ruined, how many families he's broken.

He doesn't think he wants to.

It's all his fault, the apocalypse. He made some mistakes, bad choices. He screwed up, and the whole world is paying.

He thinks maybe a bullet would fix it all.

He thinks he doesn't deserve that mercy. It's his mess to fix.

Sam puts the gun back in his bag.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

The hunters hold him down, force the blood down his throat. He wonders if he should swallow, prove he's the monster they think he is.

Maybe then they'll kill him.

Maybe the demons will.

Maybe the withdrawal will.

Sam spits the blood in their faces.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He pauses by a cliff, looks down at the rushing river. The wind pushes him towards the edge, and he imagines letting it.

He's let a lot of people down. Mom, Dad, Jess, Dean, Bobby. He's failed a lot of people. He thinks about Jess, pinned bleeding to his ceiling, burning. He wonders what she would think of him if she could see what he'd become.

He thinks maybe he would be doing them all a favour.

He thinks maybe they wouldn't want to see him.

Sam turns around and gets back into his car.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

Lucifer said he can't die. Says he'll just bring him back. He thinks he might be telling the truth.

He thinks he might be lying.

Sam puts a bullet through his head.

The next morning he cleans the blood off of the walls and smiles at the lady behind the desk when he checks out.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He gets out a knife, traces it down the veins on his forearm.

Ruby's knife kills demons. This knife kills humans. He wonders if it will kill him.

He wonders how much of him has become demon, how much is still human. Chuck said his eyes turned black in the convent. He wonders if he can still eat salt, if holy water will burn him.

Dean said he was a monster.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he wasn't.

He wonders if he'll have to clean blood off of the walls again.

Sam puts the knife back where it belongs.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He holds two small white pills in his palm, the bottle in the other, wonders which hand to take.

Dean gave him these pills. He stitched up Sam's shoulder, and handed him the bottled. Said take the pills, get some rest. Can't have you dying on us, can we?

Dean said he would kill him. He wonders why he's taking so long, why he's fixing him up first.

He wonders if Dean wants him to take the whole bottle.

Maybe Dean would miss him.

Maybe he wouldn't.

Sam takes the two pills, and puts the bottle on the bedside table.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He stands behind the impala, looks at the bottles of wonders if the plan will work.

Maybe he'll die.

Maybe Lucifer will win.

He should probably care.

Sam picks up the first bottle.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He stands over the entrance to Lucifer's cage. The wind is pulling him towards it. He looks at Dean, broken and bloody against the impala.

He wonders if they'll torture him.

He hopes they do.

Sam grabs Michael, and jumps into the pit.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He stands outside Lisa's house, watches Dean smile and laugh. He thinks he's happy for him.

He doesn't really know.

He wonders if a knife could make him feel.

Sam turns way from the house.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He thought that he could redeem himself. That maybe by jumping into the pit he could make things better.

He came back without a soul, and just made things worse.

He doesn't remember.

He doesn't think he wants to.

Sam lies down in his bed and wonders if it's worth it.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

Lucifer sits next to him on the bed, singing highway to hell into a megaphone. The rooms on fire, and it smells like burning hair and flesh.

Dean gave him a bottle of sleeping pills. They didn't work.

He wonders if maybe he should take more.

He wonders if maybe he should take them all.

Sam rolls over and digs his thumb into the cut on his hand.

•

•

•

Sam wonders sometimes.

He sit downstairs in Bobby's house. Bobby's somewhere outside, and Dean went into town for food.

Sam's not aloud to go out anymore.

There are meat hooks hanging from the ceiling and flames licking up the walls, and everything smells like blood. Lucifer is sitting in the corner, grinning at him.

_It ends when you can't take it anymore._

His gun is sitting on the table three feet away. He picks it up and presses it to his temple.

He curls his finger around the trigger and wonders if he's going to heaven.

He wonders if he's going back to hell.

Sam thinks that there was a time when he would have cared.


End file.
